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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Name Of The Game!~

In the past several yrs I’ve learned a few things about men (the few men I’ve dated, I’ve known for years), dating and a whole lot about myself. I’ve learned men are not sincere by any means of the word. They tell you what you want to hear and the sad part is…I believed it. I wanted exactly what he said. Problem is I still do. I’ve always been sincere, so why is it I’m still that way, and yet men change that all the time? I also learned that what men are looking for is not me! The trashier they are, the better they like it. I guess if it’s just a certain body type that he’s after; again, it’s not me. Before, I couldn’t be thin enough, my hair was never right, and it became exhausting. I can be everything under the sun, even if I’m not everything and for some reason it’s not good enough. Have I picked the wrong type for me? In the past I’ve chosen to settle. Why? I think I figured that out. I wasn’t good enough for the men I was with. They seem to like the same things as me; they tell me pretty much everything I’m looking for, and all this before we meet up. And in that time frame, a hint of hope has awakened me. I feel like maybe, just maybe this one is different. That this one is gonna prove me wrong. It’s finally no more settling. Kind of like a breath of fresh air. That breath of fresh air I just took, well that was just a motion of breathing. Something we all have to do to live. A man isn’t the reason we breathe. A man may cause our hearts to flutter or our breathing to speed up, but to breathe souly cause of a man…NOPE! ~ I had let myself become desperate. I settled for what I didn’t want to begin with, or I took the looks over everything else I hated or don’t like. Is there the perfect man for me? Just one man? I believe that to be true. But how many women hold out for him? I settled and in all hopes of finding the “right one”. Now I’ve come to realize all this time has been wasted on men that didn’t even care about me. What did they want? Let me see if I can get this right… men are after one thing, and if you happen to do what they like, well, they too settle.  Are we all just afraid of being alone and just hook up with whoever will have us? I’ve learned a few things over the yrs and in that whole time I’ve found that loving someone truly is tuff; especially if that someone has settled somewhere else. That no matter how much I love that person, I don’t have them emotionally, physically, or completely. Therefore, in a way, I have settled again for being second. It’s no longer sane. The relationship becomes secretive, lies are told, feelings hidden, and the truth is untrusting. Doubt arises at every corner, loneliness fills the spaces, love blinds the path of my existence, and in the times of being apart, time stands still, holding on to the very memories that were created, waiting for the next time encounter to feel the pain disappear and love spread through your veins and again, for a short time feel loved. Does love truly matter to anyone anymore? I have continually set myself up to fail. I’ve failed myself as well. I took the time to settle. I spent nearly my whole life setting my standards, knowing that by the time a man comes along, I was gonna know if it was real or not. Instead of sticking to my standards, I stooped to a man’s standard and settled. In the end true love is lost. I settled and my heart gets broken. No amount of money can buy happiness, no matter how hard I work at a relationship, if the feelings aren’t there, why waste the time of settling?! I’ve decided to make myself a challenge. The next time a man is in front of me, I’m putting my standards to the test. Will he find me good enough or will he settle? After all, what’s more important to me; time or happiness? After all this time wasted, I’ve finally learned happiness is something I want and not settling for whatever is in front of me. How many women have actually found someone who puts them first? Shouldn’t a relationship of love and caring for someone be easier together, not harder?! Especially if it’s true love?!  I believe if it’s true, things just fall into place, life is worth every minute spent with them, and that being first in each other’s eyes is worth more than all the money one possesses! I must be dreaming!~
We’ve all went through the heartache of cheaters, liars, beaters, etc. Not only do men possess the ability to humiliate you, they somehow have the power to completely control you. I’m not one to be controlled, or tamed; so to speak.  I believe in freedom and I believe every woman should have freedom. In the few relationships I’ve managed to carry for longer than a woman carries a child inside her, it is inevitable that every man out there will cheat. Everyone has a saying where a man has needs. Well, if that’s the case, why do they find a woman, promise her the things she’s always wanted, makes her feel like she’s the one, and WHAM….right in front of you are emails, texts, phone calls, etc proof of another woman taking your  place. Wow!~ Yet again, what’s the reason behind all the chaos. Men produce more drama then a typical woman does. Don’t they realize that women know…I mean I have went through it enough to know that when he even thinks about cheating, I’m going to know. I’ve already picked up on it. So I start thinking it’s me. I go down the road of beating myself up, thinking there must be something seriously wrong with me to have yet another man cheat. Where did I go wrong? What am I not doing? So here again, alone, and wondering when the next man will come into my life and add yet another failed relationship to the list. When does it end? Do we really find the one? Do we really think that perfect match is out there, and we continue to hope and patiently wait? In the meantime, we settle for whatever comes our way in hopes that this time, maybe this time, he’s the one? How do we know for sure? After all the waiting, hurting, hoping, etc, what is it we are truly waiting or hoping for? No one is perfect by any means, so do we have this imaginary type, will we know when it’s in front of us, or like most people, will we settle for the time being wondering along the way “if” this is the one? How many relationships does it take to find the right one? How old do we think we need to be to just finally say to ourselves, “it’s time to settle with this one”, or yet do we strive for the perfection we are so longing and waiting for? What is the hidden secret some seem to find? Are they too settling because they have become weary of the wait? Or simply they have lost hope and given up the fascination the right one no longer exists? I have yet to learn the secret; in the back of my mind the right one is still out there, and yet exists on the sole purpose of settling like many of us are or have.  Maybe someday I’ll understand it all, and realize that maybe my soul purpose in this life is to be alone, raise my daughter and enjoy the things in front of me. Maybe my time should be spent perfecting myself and stop wasting time trying to perfect a relationship I don’t need.  Like wolves, a man devourers our hearts, but in the end, spits it out torn, ragged, thrashed, and bleeding. The pieces are hard to get together, it’s a long process for us to heal from, and nothing lets us trust completely. Battle wounds we carry for a lifetime. Our souls are damaged, and we spend years trying to get over all the pain, and hurt we endured. The problem is we never fully recover, and we keep adding to it every time a man enters our hearts. It’s a vicious cycle on our part. Why do we do this to ourselves? It’s madness! It’s insane! It’s almost like a death sentence. I’m beginning to think death would be less painless. And in all this frazzled state of unknowingness, I have to raise my daughter to be better about getting involved with wolves. To protect her from getting devoured by vicious animals that are out there ready to rip her to pieces, destroy her self-worth, take her inner spirit and her very soul taken for granted.  It seems no one takes relationships serious anymore. It’s like playing monopoly, throw the dice and pick a property that looks good at the moment, and destroy everything possible! Then we are left renting a bulldozer to scoop up all the shit a man left behind! Not to mention all the self-esteem, self-worth, and dignity we lost in all the shit!~ So for awhile, I think I will go back into the man hating mode I’ve set myself in for years, and concentrate on things that are more important and precious, and get myself back to being “me” again. In the meantime, I’m keeping the wolves at a distance!  Walls will be built yet again, and a lot of healing cream will be needed, but I will be ok…after all, loneliness is only a mindset that needs a different direction. After all this time, the name of the game is one game I can’t play. I can’t be a vicious animal searching for the next victim to take down.  I asked a friend of mine why do men cheat? His response to me was this, “It’s easier to be with someone that you don’t have to work at anything with.”  WTF!~ Men are completely lazy. Just go screw everything so they don’t have to work at keeping something wonderful!~ Oh this is a whole new subject for me to pick apart. Maybe I will title that one “The Game Men Play”. As the quote goes in a game of poker, “I’m out”!~

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